A day to remember...

Twenty years ago today i had a rude awakening – literally and figuratively. My brother and i were lying in my mom’s bed and the telephone ran. We were about to get up to go and visit my dad in the hospital – he had caught some kind of virus. My mom answered the phone, turned around and without saying anything put it down again. I could see something was wrong – i asked her what it was and out of shock she just said: “Pappa is dood”... I was speechless...

Yes, today exactly twenty years ago at 7:20 my dad died. I was nine at the time and knew my life would never be the same again. The rest of the day seems a bit hazy to me. I remember my family coming over, getting a Whippy chocolate bar from my uncle, my mom hugging me and telling me everything is gonna be alright and watching The Jungle Book on video that night.

The next memory i have is sitting on my granny’s bed before the funeral. I was telling myself that i had to be strong and that i wasn’t going to cry at the funeral. I walked out, my great aunt was standing in front of me and said something like: “Ag, die arme kind”... I turned around and burst into tears...

It was only years later that i would realise the full extent of what his death meant in my life. He was my hero and i loved him so very much. I was his special person and he loved me more than anything. He was MY connection in life and i lost it at a very young age. Over the years i have been searching for a similar connection but to no avail.

Still i do believe in keeping his memory alive and sometimes i close my eyes and try to picture his face, remembering little facts about him that i knew or had heard about the past couple of years. Here are a few:

• He could play the piano, accordian and organ.
• He absolutely loved music
• His favourite artists were Neil Diamond and Elvis.
• He walked me down the isle (our living area) on classical music every Sunday, telling me he can’t wait to do this for real one day.
• He was a doctor, he worked in Komani Hospital in Queenstown and the nurses absolutely adored him (they were all black and called him some loving xhosa name i can’t remember).
• He could make a mean stew, but was not very good at small dinners. So when my mom went out and he had to feed us he mashed viennas and onions together and served it on toast.
• He had curly hair but became bald in his early thirties. This made him look a bit like crusty the clown and i loved it.

He died at the age of 38 at 7:20 am on the 26th of March. I would find out years later (at the age of 17) that he did not die of a heartattack, but of alcoholism. I try to tell myself that maybe the world was just not ready for his big heart and loving being. And that he loved me... oh yes, without a doubt – he loved me more than life itself.

:(

When i started this blog i was excited about writing about what i was feeling in my heart, my deep thoughts but mostly funny tidbits.

My last two posts have not been funny or enlightning at all and i can’t see it becoming much lighter at this stage.

Today i feel sad. Sad about a lot of things. Sad about the fact that i can’t be grateful for all i have, but can only feel grief and dispondency.

Why i am sad:

1. i realised again that i am not more important to myself than my family
2. i realised this morning that it is my last permanent week at my job of the last 9 years and that i am moving on to the unknown.
3. i realised that i really didn’t think about my career move so much and that i did it on a whim (not altogether bad).
4. i realised that my coxic is still very much broken and the pain won’t go away. My medication is now finished and i am still in unbearable pain. My knees are now also starting to ache because i use them much more now. I am also popping pain pills like mad... and it doesn’t seem to work.

I am overwhelmed today and there is nothing i can do about it.

drum roll...

Hey guys,

Thanks for the positive words. I went to the doctor and she says i have a respitory infection. What that means is that the medication i am taking has chemically burnt my chest, throat, glands and they are raw. I have now been given some pills to counter the effect as i can't stop taking the pills that cause the infection.

I am much calmer today though and am lying on the couch working.

love you all.

Come undone...

I went onto quite a few blogs this morning. One specific post that made me think twice was Veronica’s stance on negative people and not wanting to be around them. I can’t agree with her more...

I’ve always seen myself as quite a positive person. Or at least when i’m negative to appear positive (yeah that’s not always good either – but that’s an entire post on it’s own). But as i’m sitting here although i want to write all kinds of rosy quotes and positive reflections i only have one thing to say. My condition is starting to really get me down. And i mean down-down...

Let me explain – as you saw in my quirky last post i fell and broke my coxic bone. Since then i’ve been back to the doctor because i couldn’t stand the pain anymore (bare in mind i’m on the strongest pain medication on the market). She then sent me to an orthopedic surgeon (for an emergency visit). He poked and prodded me (love it when a senior citizen puts his finger up my ass). He then told me that i have severely injured my coxic. Not only did i crush the bottom part but i bent the rest of the coxic backwards. And NO there is nothing they can do about it – except give me more medication because the pain isn’t suppose to be as severe anymore.

He prescribed another shitload of painkillers and voltaren again. I told him i couldn’t take the voltaren because it gives me really bad heartburn and my stomach cramps as well. So he prescribes some other type of anti-inflammatory. The weekend passes and i kinda get to relax. Even my mom (who i love dearly but really doesn’t have the best bedside manner) is worried about me and my physical/emotional state. By Sunday i realise that hey i am starting to feel better (for the first time)... Yay! One thing is bothering me though – i am having a bit of difficulty breathing well and eating at the same time. It is a type of heartburn but my chest also hurts a bit.

Come to work this morning and eat breakfast... I suddenly feel quite a sharp pain in my chest – as if somebody is pushing against it. Also, my throat hurts and i just have trouble breathing well. (don’t worry – not that bad just irritating). So i read up about the medication on the internet and it specifies that you can experience respitory problems in some cases but you need to contact your doctor. So i phone my doctor and ask her about it. She says yes it is possible to have a respitory infection and that i should rather come see her, so that she can assess and maybe give me something that would help the medication not burn a hole through my throat, chest and stomach.

Now finally all i want to say is: WHAT THE FUCK MAN! Enough with the pills, the pain and the doctor’s bills... My ass is still sore, but now i have a type of throat infection to deal with as well... Argh... i just need to VENT...

Fluit, fluit my storie is uit...

Extra! Extra! Read all about it!

Hey blogger friends.

So sorry that i haven’t been updating my blog, but things have been quite hectic on my side. Just to give you a little nibble:

I RESIGNED! Yes ladies and gentlemen – after 8 ½ years at kalahari i am throwing in the towel (literally and figuratively). I need to see what else the world has to offer me and in doing so accepted an offer from one of my clients to start up a data integration company with them. I will be doing consultant work for kalahari for a couple of days in the next 4 months. What a big gamble... But hey, what do i have to lose? Maybe in 3 months i come back here and beg for a job... BUT... maybe not...

Secondly... Wait, let’s do this Hollywood style:

It was a cold(ish), wet night. Anchen left her apartment momentarily, forging her way down the stairs – gasping at the big career move she’d made earlier that day. She was contemplating her next move, when her foot slipped. She tumbled down the cloggy steps, breaking her fall with her behind. She sat in anguish – adrenalin pumping. Her anoesh was broken...

Yes people, i went for X-Rays and i shattered the last little part of my coxic bone. The pain is truly unbearable and the problem is i can’t sit for more than 10 minutes at a time. Luckily i have very strong drugs, but unfortunately they zonk me out completely and i cannot concentrate...

Now i can go into a huge analytical explanation of why this happened to me – timing, place, challenges etc. But the truth of the matter is simple – SHIT HAPPENS (excuse the pun). I slipped, i fell and that’s the end of it...

So that’s me in this edition of Sober Thoughts – The Anoesh Monologues... Chat soon!