You...

You make me anxious.

Anxious because you are opening up pieces of my heart.

You make me take the road less traveled and it scares me.

You bring me closer to intimacy in a relationship and i start shivering.

It sometimes feels like a game.

Like you are using words to force insecure emotions.

Words that i dearly want to believe, but my wall is up again.

I stand before you, naked.

Without anything to protect me.

You tell me you’ll catch me.

I can’t fall back, because what if you pull your arms away.

What if it is another game.

How will i ever live with the rejection.

I put my clothes back on carefully – one by one so that you won’t notice.

I take your hand and promise you that i will take the leap next time

But i know i won’t.

I can’t understand why you are determined to be close to me.

The emotions it awakes are wrong. It must be wrong.

You are not my mother.

You are not my brother.

You are not my family.

You are not my friend.

But it feels like you are all those things and more.

I can’t explain it.

I need you to have the same emotions i have, so i push you away.

Maybe you will realise that you do in fact miss and love me if i’m not there anymore.

Because how will i ever believe otherwise.

i am what i am... no shame... no pity...

Who are you?

I think that's the question that most of us struggle with in our lives. The problem is once you starting asking that question in all earnest it starts getting much too complicated. Can you be just one type of person? Or are you a multi-faceted goddess - not bound to any certain form of "normality".

Who are you? Are you:

The mother
The vixen
The friend
The helper
The judger
The sexual being
The moral adviser
Little girl lost

Or maybe you are a combination of all of these. I'm sure that is what the medical profession call "having a balance". When your life is a combination of exact percentages and you can shout from a rooftop - I AM WOMAN!

Well now, that sounds all dandy, but for us normal folk that is usually not the case. I'm sure it all depends on where you come from and scenarios that have affected your life. Some of us have to work a little harder on points 1 - 3, whilst others struggle with 4 - 6. I think that is where friendship enters. We have people in our lives that can teach us how to develop the things we struggle with. Problem is that we are to scared to ask.

Who wants to admit to a friend that they might be a better mother than you think you are. How do they do that? That fab mother might relinquish her whole life to motherhood, because she cannot come to grips with other things in her life. And she would love to ask you how you keep your husband happy in the bedroom, cause all he seems to care about is her motherhood skills. He just doesn't seem to see her as a sexual object anymore.

We are so scared we might embaress ourselves. So we would rather go through life guarding our little insecurities - later developing jealous rages. Not that you would ever admit your jealous - cause what would your friends think.

So the question is - who am i? Not who am i NOT. I am all the things, good and bad, that make up my being. I am a nurturer, the friend that would rush to you in the wee hours of the morning. I am the perfectionist that hides my insecurities. I am all of that - and so much more...

Badges of honor...

I received a very funny email, entitled "Badges you cannot wear to work"... Granted - some are quite rude, but really this is TRULY FUNNY! Here are a few of my favourites...

Have i told you lately...

How much i love music.

While sitting at my desk surrounded by some strange people i decided to take a bit of a survey. The question - really simple (or not). "What is your absolute favourite song?" They just stare at me. "Okay, okay...", i say. "What is your favourite all time song and what is your current favourite?".

See there is always that one song that you have always deeply loved, but when asked what your favourite song is you always seem confused because there's this one new song that you absolutely love. If you take all new music away you will definitely find your song. The one anthem that has carried you through a lot or have made you just wanna jump with joy when you hear it.

See i told you i am a music fanatic. Who can actually make up a whole post concentrating on a "your favourite song" myth. Just me ... and i'm sure that makes me very special (like groendakkies special).

So without further ado... here are their answers. Funny enough, I can already tell a lot about them by simply reviewing their answers.

Zaneta:

All time favourite: Well actually she's got two...
"Independent Love Song" Scarlet
"Timewarp" Rocky Horror Picture Show

Current favourite:
"Lyf teen lyf" Eden

Monean:

Just one definite favourite:
"Desert Rose" Sting


Louise:

Also, only one and only for her:
"Truly, madly, deeply" Savage Garden


Rene:

Her words: "I like it rough":
"Purple Rain" Prince

Chantelle:

All time favourite:
"Ek dink aan jou" Dozi

Current favourite:
"Lyf teen lyf" Eden

In chantelle's defense she does realise that she might sound like an Afrikaans music freak. Well my dear friend - you are and therefore you totally rock my jean pant.

So - what is your favourite song? And do you have a story to share about it?

Thank you for the music!

I am sitting at my desk and listening to a new group called Teatro. I think they are supposed to be the new Ill Divo, but it is safe to say that they missed that boat completely. Their CD is suppose to give you an all-out best of Andrew Loyd Webber theatre classics. Stretching from Edelweiss to Music Of the Night from Phantom of the Opera. It rather gives you a pain in your anoesh area (not self-inflicted). Comments in the office about their voices included: “Their balls definitely haven’t dropped” ... “If in Afrikaans you say “jy verkrag die liedjie vir my” then they have just gang-raped Andrew Loyd Webber”. Hehe... Yes any kind of rape should not be laughed at but you have to admit that was a funny comment. Anyway truth is there is nothing wrong with their voices, but also nothing really that stands out... They also never really reach that immaculate pitch that we all look for in music. That moment in the Celine Dion’s Power of Love where she belts out: “Cause i’m your lady, and you are my man...” That moment you get tears in your eyes and thank God you are alive...

Why i’m telling you all this... Well they attempt to bring justice to the most beautiful – Edelweiss – and that suddenly reminded me of something. When I was little – around 7 (Sub A – Grade 1) I started singing in our school choir. Now we lived in Queenstown and the pre-primary school i attended could not have had more than 100 pupils. But I was so proud of that choir and Edelweiss was one of our favourites. The principal (who directed the choir) always made me stand in the front row, because i sang the loudest of everyone and because i was cute (i looked like shirley temple okay) i was a real crowd-pleaser. I even had a song book full of beautiful songs – mostly English because it was a bilingual school. I used to practice at home on a daily basis and was always so excited when we learnt new songs...

One of the songs was called: “Whistle daughter whistle”... and i absolutely loved it:

Whistle daughter whistle and you shall have a goat.

I can’t whistle daddy because it hurts my throat.

Whistle daughter whistle and you shall have a cow.

I can’t whistle daddy you never taught me how.

Whistle daughter whistle and you shall have a man.

... i’ll do the best i can!

I would really give anything to be able to do that again!

so long, farewell... auf wiedersehen...

Hey guys,

just a quick note to say that i will be going in for my anoesh op tomorrow morning. I have to say i'm quite nervous as i am not a fan of hospitals, but i also know this could be the start of great things. So share with me this moment to fare well to our favourite ms. anoesh. You've had your fun missy, i'm taking over now :)

Chat soon - love you all!

PS. Hopefully from now on my blogs will not only entail ass-stories ... yay!

hello again!

Have no sorrow, for you have not been forsaken...

I am officially declaring myself the world’s worst blogger. I mean, i can’t even remember when last i posted anything. So sorry guys – i promise i’ll make it up to you soon. The good news is i’m still alive and kicking ...

So what’s going on in anchie’s life at the moment. Well, ms anoesh is still with us in all her glory. And there is some good news and some not so good news. The good news is that i finally found an answer on why i feel so much pain and a solution. The not so good news is that they have to operate. So they will be removing my coccyx on the 29th of this month. The ortho-doc said that i must have broken it very, very badly and that some of the bones grew back horizontal. They are therefore pushing against other stuff in my anoesh and causing the immense pain.

I have to say i was quite emotional when i walked out of his office. One part of me felt very relieved, as i began to think i was going off my rocker the past month. I felt as if i couldn’t do anything, couldn’t handle pain and couldn’t be around people. I never knew pain could be so dibilitating (spelling) and that it could give you a good bout of depression. But three months is a long time and after his examination i realised that i have actually been coping very well. What a relief.

The second thing that went through my mind was sadness that i had to go for an operation and that i would be lying on my back for minimum 2 weeks. He explained to me that i wouldn’t be able to sit/drive for at least 2 weeks and that somebody would have to take care of me. I also couldn’t work, which is a problem for me as i do consultancy and get paid by the hour. I just started at this new company and already i am going to miss 2 weeks of work. But this is my health and is much more important than work – or so i keep trying to tell myself.

Furthermore i will be moving into a new flat and organised it in February already. Because i broke my rental agreement they could get new tenants in earlier and i have to be out of my flat by the end of this month. I can only move into the new flat at the end of June, so i will be moving to my mom’s house for a month. Because of the op i need to move this weekend and luckily i found movers to help on short notice. So i’ll be packing every night this week, to be ready for Saturday’s big move.

That’s about it for my life at the moment. Quite hectic if i could say so myself, but as a good friend always used to say: This too shall pass.

Lots of hugs and kisses.