Friendships - thank you for playing...

I was wondering... well thinking about different people that come into your life. Some stay for a bit, while others just pass through. All of them serve a purpose in your life and you are happy to be around them, through the good and the bad.

But then one day you wake up and you cannot think of anything you have in common with some people around you. You long for that connection you once had, but then realise that all good things must come to an end... Actually in some respects some dear friends simply leave you with a negative energy everytime you see them. Somehow they make you feel inferior. Or let me rather say – somehow you let yourself feel inferior or inadequate. Then the question arises – do you break all connections to these friends or do you carry on trying to win back that connection, although it really hurts inside. Because although you might feel like your paths must split you really do long for that loving embrace...

But such is life...

a superb life...

Received this email a while ago and let's face it, none of this info is really new on rocket science, but sometimes it's nice to hear it...

Tips for an Exceptional, Superb & Powerful Life!


1.) Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate antidepressant.

2.) Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Buy a lock if you have to.

3.) Always pray and make time to exercise.

4.) Spend more time with people over the age of 70 And under the age of Six.

5.) Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants And eat less foods that are manufactured in Plants.

6.) Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat broccoli, almonds & walnuts.

7.) Try to make at least three people smile each day.

8.) Clear your clutter from your house, car, desk and let new and flowing energy into your life.

9.) Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control.
Instead, Invest your energy in the positive present moment.

10.) Realize that life is a school and you are here To learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum
That appear and fade away like algebra class .......but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

11.) Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a layman And dinner like a begger .

12.) Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

13.) Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

14.) Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

15.) You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

16.) Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

17.) Don't compare your life to others'. You have no Idea what their journey is all about.

18.) Ladies - Go on and burn those 'special' scented Candles, use the 600 thread count sheets, the good
China and wear fancy clothes now. Stop waiting for a special occasion. Every day is special.

19.) No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

20.) Frame every so-called disaster with these Words: 'In five years, will this matter?'

21.) Forgive everyone for everything.

22.) What other people think of you is none of your Business.

23.) Time heals almost everything. Give time, time!

24.) However good or bad a situation is, it will Change.

25.) Your job won't take care of you when you are Sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch with them.

26.) Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

27.) Envy is a waste of time. You already have all You need. God provides, remember?!

28.) The best is yet to come.

29.) No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

30.) Do the right thing!

31.) Call your family often.

32.) Each night before you go to bed complete the Following statements: 'I am thankful for __________.'
Today I accomplished _________.

33.) Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

34.) Enjoy the ride. Remember that this is not Disney World and you certainly don't want a fast
Pass. You only have one ride through life so make The most of it and enjoy the ride.

missing you...

As always i have read all your blogs the past couple of weeks and the same theme has prevailed – a sense of loss or more like a sense of new beginnings. Whether it be letting go of old habits, making room for a new family member or saying goodbye to a loved one.

That made me think of stages in one’s life. I think there is one route that is seen as the norm, that life would take:

Birth

Childhood

Adolescence

First love

Studying

Finding a job

Getting engaged

Getting married

Having children

Dedicating yourself to your family

Seeing your children leaving your nest

Attending your child’s wedding

Welcoming your grandchildren into the world

Growing old with the one you love

Now if we take the list above as the norm you can see that complications in life can spin you off in all kinds of directions. Maybe you never met that first love. Maybe you never got that perfect job. Maybe you never had the chance to marry and have kids. Maybe...

Everybody’s lives are different – mine definitely. I think i got lost on the way round about at adolescent level. See i have two groups of really really good friends. The one group are in the “getting married” phase, whilst the other group are at the “having children” phase.

Sometimes i feel that i don’t fit into that scenarios and that makes me quite lonely sometimes. But then i pick myself up again and try to create my own reality. Who knows what will happen around the next bend. Maybe i skip to the last step of simply growing old with the one you love. Whether it be a boyfriend, husband or a group of close friends.

So please spare a thought for those struggling up and down the list as i give thought to those well on their way down the list. You miss me, i miss you ... let’s get together and stick like glue...

Disclaimer: this is one of my crappiest posts as i don’t feel that inspired to write – so please bare with me J

You...

You make me anxious.

Anxious because you are opening up pieces of my heart.

You make me take the road less traveled and it scares me.

You bring me closer to intimacy in a relationship and i start shivering.

It sometimes feels like a game.

Like you are using words to force insecure emotions.

Words that i dearly want to believe, but my wall is up again.

I stand before you, naked.

Without anything to protect me.

You tell me you’ll catch me.

I can’t fall back, because what if you pull your arms away.

What if it is another game.

How will i ever live with the rejection.

I put my clothes back on carefully – one by one so that you won’t notice.

I take your hand and promise you that i will take the leap next time

But i know i won’t.

I can’t understand why you are determined to be close to me.

The emotions it awakes are wrong. It must be wrong.

You are not my mother.

You are not my brother.

You are not my family.

You are not my friend.

But it feels like you are all those things and more.

I can’t explain it.

I need you to have the same emotions i have, so i push you away.

Maybe you will realise that you do in fact miss and love me if i’m not there anymore.

Because how will i ever believe otherwise.

i am what i am... no shame... no pity...

Who are you?

I think that's the question that most of us struggle with in our lives. The problem is once you starting asking that question in all earnest it starts getting much too complicated. Can you be just one type of person? Or are you a multi-faceted goddess - not bound to any certain form of "normality".

Who are you? Are you:

The mother
The vixen
The friend
The helper
The judger
The sexual being
The moral adviser
Little girl lost

Or maybe you are a combination of all of these. I'm sure that is what the medical profession call "having a balance". When your life is a combination of exact percentages and you can shout from a rooftop - I AM WOMAN!

Well now, that sounds all dandy, but for us normal folk that is usually not the case. I'm sure it all depends on where you come from and scenarios that have affected your life. Some of us have to work a little harder on points 1 - 3, whilst others struggle with 4 - 6. I think that is where friendship enters. We have people in our lives that can teach us how to develop the things we struggle with. Problem is that we are to scared to ask.

Who wants to admit to a friend that they might be a better mother than you think you are. How do they do that? That fab mother might relinquish her whole life to motherhood, because she cannot come to grips with other things in her life. And she would love to ask you how you keep your husband happy in the bedroom, cause all he seems to care about is her motherhood skills. He just doesn't seem to see her as a sexual object anymore.

We are so scared we might embaress ourselves. So we would rather go through life guarding our little insecurities - later developing jealous rages. Not that you would ever admit your jealous - cause what would your friends think.

So the question is - who am i? Not who am i NOT. I am all the things, good and bad, that make up my being. I am a nurturer, the friend that would rush to you in the wee hours of the morning. I am the perfectionist that hides my insecurities. I am all of that - and so much more...

Badges of honor...

I received a very funny email, entitled "Badges you cannot wear to work"... Granted - some are quite rude, but really this is TRULY FUNNY! Here are a few of my favourites...

Have i told you lately...

How much i love music.

While sitting at my desk surrounded by some strange people i decided to take a bit of a survey. The question - really simple (or not). "What is your absolute favourite song?" They just stare at me. "Okay, okay...", i say. "What is your favourite all time song and what is your current favourite?".

See there is always that one song that you have always deeply loved, but when asked what your favourite song is you always seem confused because there's this one new song that you absolutely love. If you take all new music away you will definitely find your song. The one anthem that has carried you through a lot or have made you just wanna jump with joy when you hear it.

See i told you i am a music fanatic. Who can actually make up a whole post concentrating on a "your favourite song" myth. Just me ... and i'm sure that makes me very special (like groendakkies special).

So without further ado... here are their answers. Funny enough, I can already tell a lot about them by simply reviewing their answers.

Zaneta:

All time favourite: Well actually she's got two...
"Independent Love Song" Scarlet
"Timewarp" Rocky Horror Picture Show

Current favourite:
"Lyf teen lyf" Eden

Monean:

Just one definite favourite:
"Desert Rose" Sting


Louise:

Also, only one and only for her:
"Truly, madly, deeply" Savage Garden


Rene:

Her words: "I like it rough":
"Purple Rain" Prince

Chantelle:

All time favourite:
"Ek dink aan jou" Dozi

Current favourite:
"Lyf teen lyf" Eden

In chantelle's defense she does realise that she might sound like an Afrikaans music freak. Well my dear friend - you are and therefore you totally rock my jean pant.

So - what is your favourite song? And do you have a story to share about it?

Thank you for the music!

I am sitting at my desk and listening to a new group called Teatro. I think they are supposed to be the new Ill Divo, but it is safe to say that they missed that boat completely. Their CD is suppose to give you an all-out best of Andrew Loyd Webber theatre classics. Stretching from Edelweiss to Music Of the Night from Phantom of the Opera. It rather gives you a pain in your anoesh area (not self-inflicted). Comments in the office about their voices included: “Their balls definitely haven’t dropped” ... “If in Afrikaans you say “jy verkrag die liedjie vir my” then they have just gang-raped Andrew Loyd Webber”. Hehe... Yes any kind of rape should not be laughed at but you have to admit that was a funny comment. Anyway truth is there is nothing wrong with their voices, but also nothing really that stands out... They also never really reach that immaculate pitch that we all look for in music. That moment in the Celine Dion’s Power of Love where she belts out: “Cause i’m your lady, and you are my man...” That moment you get tears in your eyes and thank God you are alive...

Why i’m telling you all this... Well they attempt to bring justice to the most beautiful – Edelweiss – and that suddenly reminded me of something. When I was little – around 7 (Sub A – Grade 1) I started singing in our school choir. Now we lived in Queenstown and the pre-primary school i attended could not have had more than 100 pupils. But I was so proud of that choir and Edelweiss was one of our favourites. The principal (who directed the choir) always made me stand in the front row, because i sang the loudest of everyone and because i was cute (i looked like shirley temple okay) i was a real crowd-pleaser. I even had a song book full of beautiful songs – mostly English because it was a bilingual school. I used to practice at home on a daily basis and was always so excited when we learnt new songs...

One of the songs was called: “Whistle daughter whistle”... and i absolutely loved it:

Whistle daughter whistle and you shall have a goat.

I can’t whistle daddy because it hurts my throat.

Whistle daughter whistle and you shall have a cow.

I can’t whistle daddy you never taught me how.

Whistle daughter whistle and you shall have a man.

... i’ll do the best i can!

I would really give anything to be able to do that again!

so long, farewell... auf wiedersehen...

Hey guys,

just a quick note to say that i will be going in for my anoesh op tomorrow morning. I have to say i'm quite nervous as i am not a fan of hospitals, but i also know this could be the start of great things. So share with me this moment to fare well to our favourite ms. anoesh. You've had your fun missy, i'm taking over now :)

Chat soon - love you all!

PS. Hopefully from now on my blogs will not only entail ass-stories ... yay!

hello again!

Have no sorrow, for you have not been forsaken...

I am officially declaring myself the world’s worst blogger. I mean, i can’t even remember when last i posted anything. So sorry guys – i promise i’ll make it up to you soon. The good news is i’m still alive and kicking ...

So what’s going on in anchie’s life at the moment. Well, ms anoesh is still with us in all her glory. And there is some good news and some not so good news. The good news is that i finally found an answer on why i feel so much pain and a solution. The not so good news is that they have to operate. So they will be removing my coccyx on the 29th of this month. The ortho-doc said that i must have broken it very, very badly and that some of the bones grew back horizontal. They are therefore pushing against other stuff in my anoesh and causing the immense pain.

I have to say i was quite emotional when i walked out of his office. One part of me felt very relieved, as i began to think i was going off my rocker the past month. I felt as if i couldn’t do anything, couldn’t handle pain and couldn’t be around people. I never knew pain could be so dibilitating (spelling) and that it could give you a good bout of depression. But three months is a long time and after his examination i realised that i have actually been coping very well. What a relief.

The second thing that went through my mind was sadness that i had to go for an operation and that i would be lying on my back for minimum 2 weeks. He explained to me that i wouldn’t be able to sit/drive for at least 2 weeks and that somebody would have to take care of me. I also couldn’t work, which is a problem for me as i do consultancy and get paid by the hour. I just started at this new company and already i am going to miss 2 weeks of work. But this is my health and is much more important than work – or so i keep trying to tell myself.

Furthermore i will be moving into a new flat and organised it in February already. Because i broke my rental agreement they could get new tenants in earlier and i have to be out of my flat by the end of this month. I can only move into the new flat at the end of June, so i will be moving to my mom’s house for a month. Because of the op i need to move this weekend and luckily i found movers to help on short notice. So i’ll be packing every night this week, to be ready for Saturday’s big move.

That’s about it for my life at the moment. Quite hectic if i could say so myself, but as a good friend always used to say: This too shall pass.

Lots of hugs and kisses.

Ponder on these imponderables for a minute...

Got this on email and thought it was quite cool...

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person
who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.

Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?


16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What
are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while
they deliver the mail?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (my fav)

18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those
little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

22. OK ... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and
the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make
the Tennessee Titans?

23. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one
enjoys it?


24. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when
you send it by sea it is called cargo?

25. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365
days a year, why are there locks on the door?

Up shit creak..

A funny thing happened to me on the way to Reno...

This one's good guys. Very very very good. After my devilishly funny post on Thursday (thanks for all the comments - somehow it won't let me comment) i went for a braai at my mom's house, had a great supper, played with my beautiful (and i mean beautiful) dog and went to bed.

Woke up on Friday morning EARLY. My stomach was aching - i felt nauseous. It felt a bit like butterflies - but not the good kind - the one's you find in a b-rated Sci-fi movie. It was confirmed - i had a stomach bug. The rest of the morning / day was spent cleansing my insides in every which way i could.

Now for those of you who haven't had the honor of a tummy bug. In the words of the late great Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin - "Crickey, he's a tricky little fellow ain't he". You can be the Queen of England or a bergie next to the train tracks - when that sucker strikes there is no difference in class. We all do what we need to do to get through the day - and it ain't pretty.

On many occassions i have mentioned that the worst thing on earth to me is throwing up (yes people i would never be bullimic - trust me). I just dont' think man was suppose to do that at all. It just doesnt work for me. Adding the fact that it also meant that my respitory infection started flaming up again - i can honestly say - not my best day ever :(

Now for those of you squeemish (i can't spell today) types i do apologise for the gross report of bodily function. This post really should not be seen as negative or moaning - i'm simply stating an obvious point - through all of this i prayed that the good Lord would allow me to fare well to my dear ms Coxic in one gigantic thrust down under. I really hoped that ms coxic would be excremented from my body and flushed down the toilet... But to no avail... It was not to be...

So, ms Coxic survives to fight another day. In a weird way i'm kind of proud of her (not really, but i don't want any bad vibes from her side). And yes you are technically a bit insane when you start reffering to your coxic in a female capacity.

But hey, at least i lost a staggering 2.5kg in one day. Finally i know how those hollywood damsels keep in shape :D

New jobs and other ponderings...

Life has been quite hectic for me the past couple of weeks. As most of you know i started my new job on the 1st of April and i’m really trying to get stuck into the new groove. The first week came with a few surprises and i felt a bit hopeless. I soon realised that i had to stand my ground otherwise i will be washed up by the end of the year. I only have two hands.

See, one of my clients from knet is starting up this new consultation company. So they asked me to head it up for them. I would obviously be the only consultant in the beginning but the whole idea is to grow it into a flourishing consultant agency. I therefore resigned at knet and decided to give it a go...

I bought a laptop, tried to figure out the whole internet access at home thing and waited for my first day. The day finally arrived and in no uncertain terms they told me that i would have to bring in money by consulting to companies, find new clients and set up this entire company structure. That all was said in 5 minutes and my reply to that was WTF? How am i suppose to work 5 days a week consulting on a project management / business analyst / data integration specialist basis; set up a busines plan and budget for the company; find new clients and pay my own salary.

This idea left me quite stressed when i left the office. I was thinking... Where am i going to find new clients? How am i going to handle all the work? What if i’m not good enough? What have i done?

By Thursday i got myself to relax a bit and started setting up a type of business plan for myself. I also restructured my whole department at knet, and had a very detailed meeting with my knet boss explaining the future of my department. When i got home on Friday my new boss phoned me to say another company wanted to see me about another project that Monday. So i went and it looks good – seeing that i have worked with this company before.

It is going to be a very trying couple of months ahead – this is a whole new territory for me. I am very much about structure, viability and job security and it is not so easy when you are a consultant (i still blush when i call myself that – such a big word for such a frightened person>. Also, i have so much work to do at knet still, including a trip to joburg next week sometime to sort out suppliers. This in between the huge project for the other company. So yes, there are positive and negative things about new moves but at least i got out there and gave it a go...

AND wait how can i keep you in so much suspense... now another chapter out of the anoesh diaries...

Yes people it has now been 7 weeks since i broke little miss coxic and she is still having a little tea party at my expense every now and again. On the positive side i’m not having those extreme pains while sitting from a month ago. On the negative side i now struggle to get up when i sit too long. It’s a different pain and it feels like somebody is driving a knife through my ass everytime i get up. Also, for those of you who have not had the pleasure to meet me in person – i am quite a big girl (okay, maybe grossly overweight is more accurate but this is my blog! And yes i am going to get shouted at for belitteling – excuse the pun – myself but it’s kinda funny). So because i have to get up in such a weird way and put so much pressure on my knees they are starting to ache.

I r to be broken a bit maybe...

So i reckon that either this is the last stretch of my pain or unfortunately my coxic has grown back incorrectly. Oh my please dear Lord let it just be the last stretch! Nonetheless i will be going back to the orthopedic surgeon on Monday for a check-up and i will see what he says when he puts his finger up my ass again (apologies for the crudeness) – hehe.

That’s about that from me and my coxic – i hope you are all doing well and chat soon.

PS. I have to end by saying through all this drama in my life i am starting to get to know myself so much better. I’ve spent a lot of time alone the past couple of weeks and that maybe one of the best things that could have happened to me. But please beware – nobody is aloud to comment on this post with positive afterthoughts like: “there is a reason for everything.” “sometimes pain makes you stronger”...

Much obliged J

still here...

hey guys,

it's been ages since i blogged and i just want you to know i'm still here - just busy with the new job etc... Will hopefully write a longer post later today.

I hope you all are well!

anch

Little life lessons... awesome isn't it!

Apologies for my absence in the blogging world. Truth is i don’t have that much to say. Sorry, no inspirational insights. No moaning, no gripes.

My anoesh is unfortunately still in a very brittle (excuse the pun) state. I have given up on it getting better for now – the pain is all-consuming and by the end of a day i just want to lie down. It is affecting my mental state more and more, but i have faith that “this too shall pass”... or so the optimists would like us to believe.

To tell the truth – in the beginning i thought it was quite simple – shit happens you know – sometimes you just fall and break your ass and that’s that. But as the weeks went by (it is almost 6 weeks now) i have started believing that i am being punished. Punished for certain thoughts that i have had and mistakes i have made. Oh ye’ of little faith shall bear my scorn... It might sound freaky but i am not quite in the mood to explain myself and the reasons behind it right now. I don’t quite appreciate the lesson i’m suppose to learn from this experience either. I would much rather live without that lesson... At this point it’s not really a lesson to me but a sign of defeat...

Anyway – enough of the deep stuff. On the positive side i have now started my new job and am doing consulting for my old company this week. I am looking forward to seeing what my new endevour brings into my life. I have to admit that it is quite scary and unfamiliar to me. But this is a lesson in life that i am suppose to learn ... and that i understand...

I don’t think this post made much sense today... It did a bit in my head... And that’s probably all that counts.

Chat soon

A day to remember...

Twenty years ago today i had a rude awakening – literally and figuratively. My brother and i were lying in my mom’s bed and the telephone ran. We were about to get up to go and visit my dad in the hospital – he had caught some kind of virus. My mom answered the phone, turned around and without saying anything put it down again. I could see something was wrong – i asked her what it was and out of shock she just said: “Pappa is dood”... I was speechless...

Yes, today exactly twenty years ago at 7:20 my dad died. I was nine at the time and knew my life would never be the same again. The rest of the day seems a bit hazy to me. I remember my family coming over, getting a Whippy chocolate bar from my uncle, my mom hugging me and telling me everything is gonna be alright and watching The Jungle Book on video that night.

The next memory i have is sitting on my granny’s bed before the funeral. I was telling myself that i had to be strong and that i wasn’t going to cry at the funeral. I walked out, my great aunt was standing in front of me and said something like: “Ag, die arme kind”... I turned around and burst into tears...

It was only years later that i would realise the full extent of what his death meant in my life. He was my hero and i loved him so very much. I was his special person and he loved me more than anything. He was MY connection in life and i lost it at a very young age. Over the years i have been searching for a similar connection but to no avail.

Still i do believe in keeping his memory alive and sometimes i close my eyes and try to picture his face, remembering little facts about him that i knew or had heard about the past couple of years. Here are a few:

• He could play the piano, accordian and organ.
• He absolutely loved music
• His favourite artists were Neil Diamond and Elvis.
• He walked me down the isle (our living area) on classical music every Sunday, telling me he can’t wait to do this for real one day.
• He was a doctor, he worked in Komani Hospital in Queenstown and the nurses absolutely adored him (they were all black and called him some loving xhosa name i can’t remember).
• He could make a mean stew, but was not very good at small dinners. So when my mom went out and he had to feed us he mashed viennas and onions together and served it on toast.
• He had curly hair but became bald in his early thirties. This made him look a bit like crusty the clown and i loved it.

He died at the age of 38 at 7:20 am on the 26th of March. I would find out years later (at the age of 17) that he did not die of a heartattack, but of alcoholism. I try to tell myself that maybe the world was just not ready for his big heart and loving being. And that he loved me... oh yes, without a doubt – he loved me more than life itself.

:(

When i started this blog i was excited about writing about what i was feeling in my heart, my deep thoughts but mostly funny tidbits.

My last two posts have not been funny or enlightning at all and i can’t see it becoming much lighter at this stage.

Today i feel sad. Sad about a lot of things. Sad about the fact that i can’t be grateful for all i have, but can only feel grief and dispondency.

Why i am sad:

1. i realised again that i am not more important to myself than my family
2. i realised this morning that it is my last permanent week at my job of the last 9 years and that i am moving on to the unknown.
3. i realised that i really didn’t think about my career move so much and that i did it on a whim (not altogether bad).
4. i realised that my coxic is still very much broken and the pain won’t go away. My medication is now finished and i am still in unbearable pain. My knees are now also starting to ache because i use them much more now. I am also popping pain pills like mad... and it doesn’t seem to work.

I am overwhelmed today and there is nothing i can do about it.

drum roll...

Hey guys,

Thanks for the positive words. I went to the doctor and she says i have a respitory infection. What that means is that the medication i am taking has chemically burnt my chest, throat, glands and they are raw. I have now been given some pills to counter the effect as i can't stop taking the pills that cause the infection.

I am much calmer today though and am lying on the couch working.

love you all.

Come undone...

I went onto quite a few blogs this morning. One specific post that made me think twice was Veronica’s stance on negative people and not wanting to be around them. I can’t agree with her more...

I’ve always seen myself as quite a positive person. Or at least when i’m negative to appear positive (yeah that’s not always good either – but that’s an entire post on it’s own). But as i’m sitting here although i want to write all kinds of rosy quotes and positive reflections i only have one thing to say. My condition is starting to really get me down. And i mean down-down...

Let me explain – as you saw in my quirky last post i fell and broke my coxic bone. Since then i’ve been back to the doctor because i couldn’t stand the pain anymore (bare in mind i’m on the strongest pain medication on the market). She then sent me to an orthopedic surgeon (for an emergency visit). He poked and prodded me (love it when a senior citizen puts his finger up my ass). He then told me that i have severely injured my coxic. Not only did i crush the bottom part but i bent the rest of the coxic backwards. And NO there is nothing they can do about it – except give me more medication because the pain isn’t suppose to be as severe anymore.

He prescribed another shitload of painkillers and voltaren again. I told him i couldn’t take the voltaren because it gives me really bad heartburn and my stomach cramps as well. So he prescribes some other type of anti-inflammatory. The weekend passes and i kinda get to relax. Even my mom (who i love dearly but really doesn’t have the best bedside manner) is worried about me and my physical/emotional state. By Sunday i realise that hey i am starting to feel better (for the first time)... Yay! One thing is bothering me though – i am having a bit of difficulty breathing well and eating at the same time. It is a type of heartburn but my chest also hurts a bit.

Come to work this morning and eat breakfast... I suddenly feel quite a sharp pain in my chest – as if somebody is pushing against it. Also, my throat hurts and i just have trouble breathing well. (don’t worry – not that bad just irritating). So i read up about the medication on the internet and it specifies that you can experience respitory problems in some cases but you need to contact your doctor. So i phone my doctor and ask her about it. She says yes it is possible to have a respitory infection and that i should rather come see her, so that she can assess and maybe give me something that would help the medication not burn a hole through my throat, chest and stomach.

Now finally all i want to say is: WHAT THE FUCK MAN! Enough with the pills, the pain and the doctor’s bills... My ass is still sore, but now i have a type of throat infection to deal with as well... Argh... i just need to VENT...

Fluit, fluit my storie is uit...

Extra! Extra! Read all about it!

Hey blogger friends.

So sorry that i haven’t been updating my blog, but things have been quite hectic on my side. Just to give you a little nibble:

I RESIGNED! Yes ladies and gentlemen – after 8 ½ years at kalahari i am throwing in the towel (literally and figuratively). I need to see what else the world has to offer me and in doing so accepted an offer from one of my clients to start up a data integration company with them. I will be doing consultant work for kalahari for a couple of days in the next 4 months. What a big gamble... But hey, what do i have to lose? Maybe in 3 months i come back here and beg for a job... BUT... maybe not...

Secondly... Wait, let’s do this Hollywood style:

It was a cold(ish), wet night. Anchen left her apartment momentarily, forging her way down the stairs – gasping at the big career move she’d made earlier that day. She was contemplating her next move, when her foot slipped. She tumbled down the cloggy steps, breaking her fall with her behind. She sat in anguish – adrenalin pumping. Her anoesh was broken...

Yes people, i went for X-Rays and i shattered the last little part of my coxic bone. The pain is truly unbearable and the problem is i can’t sit for more than 10 minutes at a time. Luckily i have very strong drugs, but unfortunately they zonk me out completely and i cannot concentrate...

Now i can go into a huge analytical explanation of why this happened to me – timing, place, challenges etc. But the truth of the matter is simple – SHIT HAPPENS (excuse the pun). I slipped, i fell and that’s the end of it...

So that’s me in this edition of Sober Thoughts – The Anoesh Monologues... Chat soon!

A picture paints a thousand words

For those of you who were wondering why i've been moaning for the past two years... I think this is histerical!

About me nr 11 - 20...

As promised - here's the rest...

11. I get extremely bad PMS. So bad that i almost always cry for at least a couple of days before my period arrives. I usually feel like my life is ending. BUT miraculously on D-Day all emotions disappear.

12. I hate being wrong and will go to great lengths to prove any point i might have. When i do realise i am wrong though i turn into a groveler asking for forgiveness for my stupidity (also to great lengths).

13. i have been seeing a shrink for 1 ½ year now and sometimes feel like i am not making any progress. But that’s insane (excuse the pun). I also believe that if a poll were to be taken on whether or not i’m seeing a shrink 99% would say they don’t believe i am.

14. I never really liked babies/children until my friends started having them. Now i cannot get enough and really feel a loving connection when i am holding these babies. I might have a natural instinct with children that i never knew about.

15. I hate taking chances and always stay on the safe side of life – at any cost. How boring!

16. I am a bit of a chameleon and mostly mold my personality to fit into the situation that i’m in. If you don’t like smoking i won’t smoke in your presence. If you only talk about everyday nonsense i will never discuss anything deep with you. It’s gotten better though J

17. I am scared to death of men and relationships. I never really learnt how to deal with it and make damn sure that i am not put in a situation where i would have to.

18. My little toe on the right foot cannot touch the ground and is resting on my other toe. I told my mom i must have broken it when i was little but she said i must have been born that way. <>.

19. I have been biting my nails since i was little.

20. I don’t wear make-up because i don’t like the attention i get when doing so.

I would like to thank the academy...

Found this on Postsecret and thought it was very funny, especially considering points 4 and 8 below...

10 things about me...

I found this really awesome blog for a chick in Joburg. It’s called Peas on Toast and she is histerical. One brilliant idea that she came up with is a list of “25 things about myself”... It can be funny, dark, deep or just plain sad. Point is it is really interesting to read and i think we should start our own little “what about me” thing... I’ll start with my own “Top 10” - soon to be followed by the rest of the 25 facts (not enough time now)... maybe you know all the facts, maybe you don’t... but at least it might keep you entertained for a while.

10 things i know about me:

1. I’ve never been overseas and wonder sometimes if i missed out on the big time. At this stage of my life i’d like to take a year off and backpack around some strange places.
2. the most special i have ever felt in my life was when my friend Rudie kissed me on the cheek and complimented on how pretty i looked (it was at our Matric dance).
3. i love pizza and could easily guzzle down a LARGE, but i can’t eat more than a few spoons of pasta.
4. when i was younger i used to daydream that i was a huge star on stage and would bring people to tears with my singing
5. the first snog i had was at the yearly “skou” and i was 14. After the guy kissed me i asked him: “what did you do that for?” Nice.
6. I kinda have a split personality – well sometimes i truly believe that there is this whole different person inside me wanting to come out. Weird i know.
7. i love movies and will sometimes sit in front of the computer and do multiple trivia quizzes from the internet. I check what the best rank is i can get. If it’s not way up there i quickly close the window.
8. I love the Oscars – not so much because i care about the movies that win the awards, but rather the faces of the actors who win. I used to tape the show and watch them receive their awards over and over again.
9. i have a fear of public toilets. I am so scared that people would realise that i actually also need to shit. So i wait for everybody to leave and do all kinds of evasive manouvres .
10. I am scared to death that people might think i am too deep, so i frequently downplay my intelligence so that everybody thinks i’m just goofy.

That’s me – how about you...

Happy Valentine's Day

hey everybody, happy valentine's day! ALTHOUGH i really don't believe in the Valentine's Day concept that much i hope you are all spoiled rotten. And to keep up with the spirit i read the following definition of love, which i in turn LOVE...

LOVE is...

Love is letting them believe their historical fact is right, by pretending you know no different.

Love is them feeding you, mouthful by mouthful, while you drive back from a party at 2:00am.

Love is physically aching when they're away.

Love is still asking them how they take their tea, because sometimes they like milk and sometimes they don't.

Love is sucking it up when they see ex's, but still getting jealous deep down inside.

Love is somehow managing to pop their name into a sentence every five minutes. Meetings, bathroom queues, the Samoosa Lady...

Love is not only accepting their bunion, but finding it sexually attractive.

Love is feeling projected and endless sadness for them when they're sad.

Love is thinking about their legs All. Day. Long.

Love is them being the first person you call when:
You get big news
Have a crisis
Have to tell someone something hilarious
Jurie Els is on the front page of Die Burger

xxx

Freebird

I am standing at a crossroad – do i fight to hold on to that i know or should i let go and freefall into the wonder of life...

Is this my time? Am i ready? Or am i looking for salvation to take my hand and lead me into a glimmer of hope.

The question is – what defines you? The laughter in a joke or the seat in front of you desk? What defines me? The answer to that brings my true salvation.

Lynyrd Skynyrd - Freebird

If I leave here tomorrow
Would you still remember me?
For I must be travelling on, now,
'Cause there's too many places I've got to see.
But, if I stayed here with you, girl,
Things just couldn't be the same.
'Cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you can not change.
Lord knows, I can't change.

Bye, bye, its been a sweet love.
Though this feeling I can't change.
But please don't take it badly,
'Cause Lord knows I'm to blame.
But, if I stayed here with you girl,
Things just couldn't be the same.
Cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you'll never change.
And this bird you can not change.
Lord knows, I can't change.
Lord help me, I can't change.

Beautiful Lyrics - Coldplay's "Til Kingdom Come"

Til Kingdom Come

One... two...
Steal my heart... and hold my tongue
I feel my time... my time has come
Let me in... unlock the door
I never felt this way before

And the wheels just keep on turning
The drummer begins to drum
I don't know which way I'm going
I don't know which way I've come

Hold my head... inside your hands
I need someone... who understands
I need someone... someone who hears
For you I've waited all these years

For you I'd wait... 'Til Kingdom Come
Until my day... my day is done
and say you'll come... and set me free
just say you'll wait... you'll wait for me

In your tears... and in your blood
In your fire... and in your flood
I hear you laugh... I heard you sing
I wouldn't change a single thing

And the wheels just keep on turning
The drummers begin to drum
I don't know which way I'm going
I don't know what I've become

For you I'd wait... 'Til kingdom come
Until my days... my days are done
Say you'll come... and set me free
Just say you'll wait... you'll wait for me

Just say you'll wait... you'll wait for me
Just say you'll wait... you'll wait for me

Awareness...

I wrote this a little over a year ago... but it's still oh so true...

"On Saturday I attended Caroline’s 5 week meditation course. After we finished she asked us to try and be more “aware” this week. Aware of our surroundings and what we are doing. Of course I left with the best intentions to try and work on my awareness, but yet again the week’s rush got the better of me and I’ve been walking around “blind-folded” trying to get things done.

This morning however I woke up with the same happiness I felt every morning since returning from the workshop. I got ready for work, put my CD in my CD player and jetted off deciding to pay more attention to my surroundings on my way to work. I started looking at the grey’ish sky (my favourite kind of weather by the way), the birds flying above, the dog trying to cross the road (don’t worry he made it) and the new rose garden on the corner of the street (well for me it was new – it’s probably been there for a while now). All so beautiful…

Suddenly my eye caught an elderly black woman walking up the hill. The bag she was carrying looked far too heavy for her slender build. She looked tired, as though she hadn’t slept enough the previous night and she had a world of worries on her shoulders. Immediately I thought – it rained last night. Maybe her house couldn’t sustain all the rain – maybe that’s why she’s so tired today. My heart went out to her. She was obviously on her way to cleaning somebody’s house. I wondered if her employer would also ask these questions. Whether there would be any empathy where she was heading. Was anybody else wondering what her story was and wishing they could help? But most importantly – did she still know there was a powerful woman inside her or was that long thought long gone?

She remained in my thoughts on the rest of my journey. I started to notice more and more people. Some were trying to beat the traffic and were changing lanes like crazy, jabbering all kinds of hysteria on their cell phones. Some were driving like they had their whole life to get to their end destination. Was it because they knew they had done what they had to do the previous day or were they afraid to face something at work? While seeing each face I had the same question – what is his/her story?

We are so busy in our lives that we forget stop to look around – to become aware… We are also too busy to realise that everybody has a story and therefore acts accordingly. So if you see a friend, colleague, family member or even stranger again, try and look a bit deeper. What is his/her story? Are they also tired? Does the load their carrying also seem to heavy to bare?"

Ek en my ramkietjie...

Ek sit hier by my lessenaar. Deesdae kry ek sulke diep gedagtes... So deur die dag... sonder rede. Dis nie noodwendig verkeerd nie. Ek dink ek is besig om myself beter te leer ken en te begin aanvaar dat ek miskien partykeer bietjie anders as ander mense dink. Miskien is dit ‘n blessing in disguise, maar ek dink dit is ook iets wat soos ‘n donker wolk oor jou kop somtyds hang.

Ek is mal oor musiek. Dit is seker een van die beste geskenke van God wat vir ons op aarde gegee is (behalwe nou natuurlik suurstof, kos en water). Ek luister al heeldag Leonard Cohen. Ek ken nie sy musiek nie, maar Ronel het my interest in hom gewek. Dis seker omdat sy ‘n anderste look in haar oe kry wanneer sy van hom praat. Amper iets soos wat jy kry as jy van ‘n ou verlore vriend of sielsgenoot praat. Ek het begin luister en dadelik besef dat hierdie man definitief ‘n tortured spirit is. Ten spyte van dit is hy ook baie gelukkig aangesien hy ‘n uitlegklep vir sy mismoedigheid gekry het – sy musiek.

Omdat ek ook begin agterkom het watter mense na sy musiek luister, besef ek ook dat hy ‘n redelike melancholiese gevolg het. Die meeste van hierdie mense deel in sy “tortured spirit” en sy musiek is vir hulle ook ‘n uitweg. Ek wonder of hy besef hoeveel mense moes hy al gered het van daai laaste dodelike aksie. Vir hierdie mense beeld sy musiek nie ‘n malkolk van depressie uit nie. Liewer ‘n wete dat hulle nie alleen is nie. Hulle gedagtes is nie absurd nie en hulle emosies is geldig – miskien selfs spesiaal. Ek hoop Leonard weet hoeveel sy woorde vir hierdie mense beteken. Soos wat ‘n kollega (ook ‘n manies depressiewe goth) vandag vir my gese het: “He makes you want to sit in the corner and chew your wrists – but in a good way”...

Ek, soos iemand al aptly beskryf het is ‘n musical whore. Ek kan nie pinpoint hoekom sekere tipe musiek regtigwaar my hartsnare roer nie. Lirieke en klanke het eenvoudig net vir my ‘n spesiale betekenis. Ek voel die musiek en ek kan op ‘n manier verstaan wat die sanger gevoel het terwyl hy daardie manjifieke komposisie aanmekaargeslaan het. Tog het ek tot ‘n ander besef gekom vanmiddag. Ek was nog altyd ‘n sucker vir die tranetrekkerige liedjies – daardie liedjies wat in die helfte van die beste deel afgesit word met die boodskap: “nee man, jy gaan ons almal laat huil”. Dis nog altyd vir my snaaks gewees – dit laat nie vir my huil nie, dit wek iets in my gees op. ‘n Onbeskryflike begeertenis na die goeie dinge in die lewe. Miskien selfs die warm verlange na ‘n onbekende vriend of sielsgenoot...

In ‘n wonderlike oomblik vandag het Rod Stewart se “I am sailing” vir my ‘n treetjie nader aan een van my sielsgenote gebring.

I am sailing

I am sailing

Home again, cross the sea

I am sailing stormy waters

To be near you, to be free

I am flying

I am flying

Like a bird, cross the sky

I am flying passing high clouds

To be with you, to be free

Can you hear me

Can you hear me

Through the dark night, far away

I am dying, forever crying

To be with you, who can say

Can you hear me

Can you hear me

Through the dark night, far away

I am dying, forever crying

To be with you, who can say

We are sailing

We are sailing

Home again, cross the sea

We are sailing, stormy waters

To be with you, to be free

OH Lord, to be near you

To be free

Oh Lord, to be near you

To be free

Oh Lord, to be near you

To be free

Oh Lord.

Powerful... Meer as powerful. Ek dink dit hang van die luistenaar af wat die woorde beteken en of dit enigsins betekenis het. Ek voel asof die lirieke vir my miskien ‘n glimpse kan gee aan my pa se laaste vreedsame oomblikke. I am dying, forever crying... To be with you, to be free. Miskien is dit net lirieke, miskien is dit geskryf in ‘n drunken stupor gevul met dagga walms. Miskien... Dit maak nie juis saak nie – die sanger kan dalk net ‘n instrument in ‘n bigger picture wees. En daardie bigger picture is vir almal toeganklik. Dis jou keuse of jy die leap wil vat.